On this journey that you’re making
There’ll be answers that you’ll seek
And it’s you who’ll climb the mountain
It’s you who’ll reach the peak
Today has been.. really strange.
Woke up around noon, after Beth and my journey to Virginia Lake last night around 7:30. It was really quite spectacular – the lake, not the hill we had to walk up, haha. I’ll post a link and photos after I just get whatever ‘this’ is out of my head.
I found out I can’t take the Portfolio class as an Independent Study.
Can you hear it? Its the sound of life plans crashing like glass. There goes the neighborhood. I don’t know what I’m going to do quite honestly. I’ve been in situations like this where I had to finaggle some stuff, move it, twist it, -squeeze it into place and pull some strings. This is different. This is the difference between having a Minor in Photography and having a bunch of random photography classes that don’t count towards anything at all. I’m going to have to take it in Spring of 2013, but that also means I won’t have enough credits to fill out the semester, which translates to: I won’t have a place to live if I don’t take 12 credits, dorm life, fuggg. Which means, I’d have to fill it with random classes to take, which means I need to hear back from Galante now so that I know if I need to save credits for Spring, aka not take Summer classes and just wait to take Senior Show and Portfolio Photography class until Spring 2013 and then just.. take two more random classes or find an apartment, I don’t know which one is going to be worse, quite honestly. Either way, its going to be expensive and at the end of the day… I’d rather make my Portfolio book project on my own time, and just not get the stupid paper work for the Minor… but I really want the paperwork, that means a lot to me. as;dfa;lsdkfj
After that sour note, I watched the ‘Exit through the Gift Shop’ Banksy documentary and was amazed at how easily mass populations get sucked into things without realizing it.. All of “Mr. Brainwash’s” stuff is being created by other designers and people, he’s essentially a less than intelligent man copying the styles and subjects of people like Banksy and Sheppard Fairey – who essentially are taking already created pieces and re-inventing them.. so in a way, they’re copying too, and the masses are just buying pieces of ‘art’ that are unoriginal copies made by someone nameless working for this guy. It’s hilarious and sad all at the same time.
Proceeding that moment of cinematic epiphany, I put on my amazing Disney Pandora and started perusing the interwebs for something interesting. And then, I thought about the news my mom told me via skype yesterday and I tried to sit down and write a letter to someone I’ve never met, but have also been thinking about since I was at least 7 years old. I couldn’t do it, I had no idea where to start, what to say, how much to write. Nothing. Nada. Then I thought about Beth telling me that she woke up late too and had the oddest sensation of being homesick, which I haven’t really had troubles with, here and there of course, but overall its been fine.
And then,
I read about this girl’s dream she had about her grandmother who died ten years ago. It brought up a lot intense emotions that I’ve been working really hard on suppressing or at the least ignoring. And I started thinking about my grandpa and also about the new developments back home and… thought, Wow, how unfair is that.. one of the best I have ever come to know is gone and now there’s someone who had every right to know him, that could have known him, and I just got to thinking about how unjust all of it is. She would have loved him. It’s not fair. It’s not at all okay.
Its true, I’m not homesick.
But surely, I’m still in mourning because I only miss one person, and now I miss him for myself, my family, and the possible new face, I miss him for her a lot. She never was able to know him and that’s devastating to me. I hate this. I hate that he’s gone and that I can’t tell him about my trip and that he can’t ask me questions and that I can’t hear those stupid jokes that are only funny because of how awkward they are, haha.
I feel the oddest sense of peace and calmness when I start thinking about how … sad doesn’t even begin to describe it.. I feel, but its weird… its like I’m super devastated by the loss but insanely appreciative of everyone else that I still have and grateful for the people I’m being introduced to.. its the most complex mix of whatever this is, I’ve ever experienced. I don’t know what to make of it. I just know that if I start to hear anything about him I feel acceptance, peace, all of that.. and then when I cry about it, I can’t stop crying, but in my head I feel fine. Jibberish. All of this is jibberish. I don’t feel like talking about Wellington. It was a nice trip and I had a lot of fun, but I don’t feel like writing about it, because it doesn’t really matter, I mean, its whatever I guess.
I’ve been thinking about Ross and his sit spots. I don’t trust myself to go find a sit spot and meditate or whatever it is you’re supposed to do, my mind would stray to subjects like this and then I’d be by myself outside crying, hah, and that isn’t something I’m willing to risk.
AND THEN
Phil fucking Collins came on Pandora, followed by fucking Cat Stevens and I felt like someone was inside my head picking just the right songs to make me feel helpless to fighting off the ignorant bliss I’ve had going for me. Feck. I just want to sleep. I’ll wake up bright-eyed and brand new. Yep. That sounds perfect. Too bad its 5:20 at night and I have an early class tomorrow..
Onto Plan B, watch 13 going on 30 in my room with lots of spaghetti.
Sounds like a dream.
Another Phil song,
I see before me a new horizon
I want to know
Can you show me?Come with me now to see my world
Where there’s beauty beyond your reachTake my hand there’s a world I need to know
Please excuse my rant/meltdown/writer’s block/freakout.
Phil needs to stop coming on Pandora. Worst part, I can’t not listen to it – its so good! Feck.
When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you’ve got to hold on
I’ll be back to normal by 5:30.
Time for spaghetti.
Three Phil songs in a row preceeded by Cat Stevens and Gary Jules and stinkin’ Fleetwood Mac, I’m losing my head.
lizzklein 